Chapter 1: Scent of Home
It was a warm summer night here in the big city. There was a particular dry breeze in the freshly cut grass. I was alone, watching as the neighbors and grandparents in this distinct Italian neighborhood engaged in their daily activities. Time to time, I would peer around the corner to look at a particular home down the street. I had a crush on one of the girls that I considered out of my league. That evening I was like no other; sitting outside on the front veranda of the house with my knees bent, holding a cigarette in my mouth. I took a puff, exhaling in and out multiple times. One cigarette after another, I found myself sitting there and bathing in my flesh in the ash of my painful past and memories. I could not believe that at 22 years old, I still had no girlfriend; I had never had one in my life.
I was acknowledging that somewhere along this path in my life, I screwed up and I recognized that something needed to change and it needed to change in me.
We have that tendency to throw ourselves at God when times get rough and that was exactly what I did. At least, it was better this way than resorting to the worst of resolutions; which is often depression that gets a hold of in our spirit. I never really considered going back to God to say thank you for all that He has done; it never really even crossed my mind… how bizarre! Ironically, at the end of the day, the only one I could truly rely on to fix the situation in my life was in fact, God. He was the only one who could turn my total complete life situation around, with my obedience of course. As I wrote this, I imagined myself as Pony Boy; one of the characters part of the ‘greasers’ group from the movie, “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton who was writing and sharing his story. If you have not read the book or watched it, I highly recommend it for a movie and popcorn night. That movie was a pretty good representation of how I lived my daily life except without the greasy hair, fighting, and well, I was fortunate to have parents who were present in my youth.
Matthew 7:3-5 King James Version (KJV)
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
I began to look at the lives of those around me and I wondered why I did not have the same things as everybody else. Why did I feel so different from everyone else? Why didn’t I have a girlfriend? I was attractive; at least, I thought I was. I would find myself wanting so much more but not understanding why I did not deserve some of the things I was asking for. It was days like today that I can look back to understand that I was not ready. I was not ready to love the way God calls us to love. I had to be taught. I wanted to be taught and that alone made all the difference in the world.
I prayed that night on the porch steps after smoking a cigarette;
“God, would you please help me find a girlfriend; I need a break.” All my previous encounters with girls growing up were short and brief; nothing that truly translated into a real foundation of love. It was always the typical and light elementary school girl crush that we all have been through at some point in our lives. It is fun to think about being a child again, isn’t it?
Let’s talk about my modern day life. Two weeks later at work, suddenly there was a new younger woman that joined the company I was working for. She was not exactly my type, but she did catch my eye in the workplace with her flashy clothing. I could tell that we were extremely different from each other and perhaps that was something I needed to steer away from instead of walking towards.
Everything between us began so quickly. One moment I was single and not even a chance of dating someone and the next it was all thrown into my lap. How crazy is that? How it got there? I don’t know why or how, but what I do know is that; that relationship opened my eyes to see my life from a bird’s eye view which brought me perspective.
What started off as constant private chats during work hours, ended up in after work meetings, home visits, long chats during work hours, pursuing sexual lusts, and eventually both of us living together at her apartment with friends.
I had this huge sense of innocence towards me and inside my heart, meanwhile she was on the wilder side of exploration. Actually, wild seems like the best word to describe the difference between us two. She had experienced much more in her life, and I was barely scratching the surface of mine. How was she wild? Well, let’s just say the most I had even close to a sexual encounter with a female prior to meeting her was to have sex only one time which was very brief. Pardon the transparency; it is plainly important for you to know the detail to get the full sense of my story. On the contrary, my ex was telling me stories about being with multiple guys in hot tubs and fooling around at parties, etc. In fact, I think this sharing of the whole part of her life that distorted my perception of her right from the beginning of the relationship. While learning these things about her, I had no idea what I was doing pursuing this girl nor did I even have a clue as to what I was getting myself into. Nevertheless, for some reason, I was trying to force myself to be someone I wasn’t which obviously did not fit me. Well, how was I innocent? Let us just say that I had very little experience with the opposite sex. My personality and learning of the world hadn’t fully blossomed yet, so I was as innocent as a dove. Regardless of that relationship between me and the world, on the other side of the spectrum, my relationship with this girl, was a lie. I had to lie to her in order to be there. Can you believe those words? I had to lie to find a girlfriend.
But wait, let’s scroll back deeper into my life so you can get a bigger picture of who I was. That is a big question, isn’t it? Who am I? Who was I? Or better yet… Who am I not?
I can answer that question today with a clear and concise conscience. However, back then, I was lost. Aren’t we all lost at some point of our lives? Being lost brings the opportunity to go back home; we just need to make the right choices and choose the right paths. It could have ended up far worse had I not chosen to run to God to solve my problems.
I knew my place in the world and I knew the kind of heart I had towards others but I didn’t exactly see the realities of my behaviors, actions, and even my surroundings were actually affecting my ability to have any form of peace, joy or happiness. I was exactly what you would call, “lukewarm.” On one side of my heart which is the side I love and should always steer towards; I was loving, kind, compassionate and helpful. On the other side, I had a lot of unforgivingness in me, a lot of anger towards the world, lust and idols, and it was complimented with emotional baggage that all needed to be reconciled.
What does the bible say about us as Christians being lukewarm?
Revelation 3:15 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.
16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth.
I went home and sat in front of the porch again, but this time it was different. I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I just kind of went with the flow, riding a current that I didn’t really belong on. Despite everything, it was fun at the time. I felt like my prayer was answered that night and I believe it was then that I went upstairs and began recording this song.
At age 22, this happened to be the last song that I would sing as I went upstairs to hang up my shoes in the world of music.
I titled the song, “Thank you.”
Last song? What do you mean last song? At the early ages of my childhood, music was a big passion of mine. I wanted to speak to the world. I wanted to sing to them and tell and share stories. I wanted to help them. As soon as I learned what a computer was, I was quick to learn software and started off singing songs on a microphone that I purchased at the local dollar store. That little microphone over time progressed into a headset. That headset got upgraded into a USB microphone with condenser and the path of growing into music and writing songs continued.
Were my songs good? Absolutely not. There are songs that brought my spirit down and these were just a mere reflection of my current state. The devil had somewhat of a grip or manipulation in me in my music. Most songwriters, when writing songs, write in a reflection of a period or time of their life or current state. In this case of writing the song below, I was thankful.
In life there is a time for everything,
There is a time for tasting the moment,
To enjoy life’s beauty,
To be truly happy,
To see the light,
To know what’s on your mind,
Twenty-four seven,
Time to play,
To be a child,
To be spontaneous,
To lose yourself in what you do,
And there’s also a time for adventure,
To feel energized,
To feel strong,
To fly up into the sky,
And soar like a bird,
Smile, sing and dance,
There’s also a time to be wrong,
Take a step back,
Time to be right,
Time to take a flight,
To be angry or sad,
Time to feel exhausted or stressed,
Is it a test, I guess,
Time to accept things,
Time to be alone,
A time to let go
And hope,
And to move on and move on and be alone,
There is a time to slow down,
To rest, there is a time to relax,
There is a time for everything,
Just take your time,
Go at your own pace,
Listen to the,
Relax, listen to the track,
There is a time for everything in life,
There is a time for you,
A time for me,
A time to be yourself,
To not care what others think,
To listen to your heart,
And live out what’s inside,
There is a time to dream big,
Live out your craziness,
To be authentic,
Live out your dreams,
Listen to your body come alive,
Be thankful,
Accept the life,
Love yourself,
Become the best to believe in yourself,
Enjoy yourself,
Most importantly, trust yourself,
There’s a time to say I am sorry,
I love you,
I forgive you,
For a hug,
For a hand,
To be a sister,
Or be a brother,
Be a friend,
Be a mother,
Be a teammate,
Be a favor,
For respect,
For honesty,
For someone’s smile to be just like,
One of a kind,
There is a time for everything,
There is a time,
Studying, learning,
Asking,
Thinking,
Developing,
What has to be done?
Build a future,
It has been designed,
There is a time to have a cup of tea,
Time to see a good friend,
A time to maybe,
Lend out a hand,
But what time is it now?
Right?
It is time to say,
Thank you,
For every moment in life,
For the future endeavors,
Of being part of my life,
Shine.
I didn’t know this at the time because I had never read the bible in my life, but it just so happened to be a song that incorporated bible verses. “There is a time for everything, a time to sing, a time to dance, a time to play” and so on. It wasn’t all my words completely. All I did was to listen to the background tune and sing the words that popped up on the screen turned into a melody.
God works in mysterious ways. To me, pursuing this new girl was an opportunity to pursue my first relationship as a young man.
As mentioned, my girlfriend was much more experienced in relationships than I was. The little but short stories she did share to me of her past experience rather disgusted me more than anything, but I still pursued her regardless out of curiosity. Curiosity ended up killing George though. I suppose when choosing to pursue, I leaned toward the fact that people can change all the time and to seek the good in them.
Things went well between us in the beginning. It was actually in the beginning of our relationship that I made the biggest mistake anyone could ever make. I regret having made that mistake but today I am glad I did because it allowed me to learn from the consequences.
Speaking of consequences, I want to share a short story that I realized one night while driving home. I was driving home from dance class, zooming along the 401 to Highway 410 in Toronto, Canada. There are thousands of cars on the highway. There are thousands of cars all over. Then it hit me right in the face! Rules! If none of us followed the rules of the road that the government put in place for our safety, we would all be driving around like monsters and headless chickens, killing another, crashing, damaging each other’s cars, etc. That explains everything, doesn’t it? Rules are there for specific reasons. It is only when we out of our own -free will- break them that they lead to our own self-destruction, whether we realize it or not. There are consequences of breaking the rules. Sometimes those consequences are detrimental, even to our very own being. This concept can be applied to every single aspect in life! This understanding even applies to the teachings of Jesus Christ in the bible.
The world sometimes says that rules are meant to be broken.
I’m going to concur with them and say that it could be possible that they are right for one reason and for one reason only. Only rules are open to be broken by free will so that we can learn from the consequences.
Over time as I got more entrenched into the relationship with my girlfriend, the hole I was digging in the relationship kept growing bigger and bigger and in the south direction. The guilt I felt for lying to her tore me up on the inside all the time. There were times that I would just ‘run’ and leave her at home alone in our condo; still finding myself smoking secretly behind her back. I was running. Running from her and more importantly running from myself. I would drive and I would cry in prayers to God asking for his forgiveness for what I was doing to her and myself. I could not believe what I was doing, and I would fake joke about it to my friends even when this really bothered me. I did not have anywhere to run, and I didn’t really have anyone to run to for help to get out of it either. Guilt, bitterness, and regret can do that to you. They can bring pain if not dealt with properly.
What would you do to manage this situation?
I ignored it and by ignoring it, I began to believe my lies and that was the biggest mistake because it catches up to you at some point. Lying brought me to a point of in denial.
I became so blind of my wrongs that I would avoid the confrontation of it all together. I started to believe the lie was the truth. Three things I was trying to avoid, the pain, the consequence and the truth. Each lie I made, dug an even bigger pit. Each second passed growing into the relationship with her dug more consequence for the relationship. I was so entrenched that I felt like I had been trapped with no escape. I didn’t want to lose her, nor did I want to lose the life I was now living which was my everyday comfort.
Speaking of the life I was now living, I found myself easing my way into and sharing the apartment that my girlfriend shared with a friend; nested in a home with two sisters; one that I loved and one that I could find comfort in sharing things and of common interests. We practically lived together for a year and I really had a lot of fun there. I loved to go home every day and joke around with the girls in the kitchen; sort of like how I used to when I was a young boy growing up in the elementary school yard. You bet it! I was the young lady’s man with all the girls’ attention.
From time to time, I would try to escape out and go home to visit my mom, my brother and my dogs. As the time passed in my practice doing this, my home with my mom and brother eventually faded and didn’t feel like home anymore. My new life realities with my girlfriend were taking over and that was a mistake in itself. I should have waited until marriage to move into her home. I was kind of stepping out of my comfort zone and walking into unknown territory. Despite all of this, regardless of everything I was doing or how I felt, the lie; I want you to focus on the lie.
Here I go again, loathing in the weak flesh of my mistakes. I was the same smoking man, the same liar, the same boy whom smoked a lot of marijuana, always swearing, using God’s name in vain, getting into trouble with police, being angry at the world, having a humongous ego, filled with so much pride; that boy, sometimes a hidden boy – he wasn’t truly dealt with.
Hidden, you ask? We all choose to show or hide and reveal ourselves to people around us. Most of the time, I kept myself and my true personality hidden to protect myself, even from my close family. They didn’t need to see me, just yet.
Are you wondering what kind of trouble I got into with the police? Most of these situations were very minor but I blew them up because they weren’t exactly what I would classify good behavior. My friends would do stupid things. We even called my home, “GP’s house of fun” and I would be the one getting into trouble with the law over their actions.
I was still the bad guy on the block and that bad guy; he didn’t face the consequences of his actions yet or maybe he was feeling them but never realized the scope of it.
Here is the climax of the story with my girlfriend; I had walked that lie of my relationship to the very point of buying a home with her. Everything happened so quickly! “Could this girl be the one I would marry?” or “could I profit from this” and then suddenly having the world flipped upside down and taken away from me in the blink of an eye. It was my fault and I allowed it to happen. I gave the enemy a foothold in my life, and he did exactly what he does best; steal, kill and destroy. While one may look at it and say it was just a small lie; a lie is a lie. Call it what it is, its complete destruction and this lesson taught me honesty.
There were a lot of “I should haves” and I wasn’t learning at that point of my life yet. We all have ‘should have’ moments. We should take the time to reflect on them and then try to do something about it in the future.
I should have stopped smoking. I should have been honest. I should have forgiven those who hurt me in my past to cause the anger inside. I should have forgiven myself. I should have dealt with my past.
You know, one thing is for certain; is that it is until we make mistakes and live the consequences; we are able to analyze what went wrong and how it can be avoided and fixed in the future.
Let’s take a look at a highway freeway for example. Thousands amongst thousands of cars stroll down highways every day. Could you imagine if there were no lines on the road? What if there were no rules regulating the safety? Sometimes, we break the rules. Sometimes we get into accidents because of a mistake we made. Sometimes we hurt others, or we hurt ourselves by making the wrong turns, or going too fast, or going too slow, and so on. The rules are there for a reason. They are meant to keep us in order. Well, the same thing applies to God’s 10 Commandments. A lot of people don’t know this but these are guidelines and a manuscript of life written by God’s very own hand. How dare we defy him? What a merciful father we have!
Some people can respond,
“Rules are meant to be broken.”
You know, you’re probably correct on that but only for one reason. Rules are meant to be broken, so we can learn from the consequence. Thankfully, we have a loving heavenly father who does not look at us in shame but rather in mercy and compassion willing to restore us to go back onto the road again.
Even though what happened to me in response from her felt like a hundred times worse than what I did to her; two wrongs do not make a right.
I knew the fault was in how I first treated her and my intentions in the beginning of the relationship. That is the fallacy of what tore the relationship apart. It actually helps me to look back and reflect, so I can understand God’s truth in this life situation in accordance with scripture.
The bottom line between us both humans is that my ex-girlfriend and I gave the enemy a foothold in our relationship. We allowed him to do what we allowed him to do.
We lied, deceived each other, controlled each other, cheated each other, and made mistakes. They say there is too sides to every story and in the middle, you find the truth.
The truth is man and woman; two souls needed to repent and come clean and face the face of God and simply be better.
When I first prayed to God for help in the beginning, it was good to ask. It was also good to carry him through my storm even though I was disobedient because I believe it softened the ‘blow.’
However, after I got what I prayed for…did I find the means to an end? What do I mean by that? Did I take what I was given and appreciate it and nurture it the way God intended me to or did I proceed to abuse it, use it, and walk all over it? Did I learn? Was I being taught a lesson? More importantly, did I keep God in the relationship?
I didn’t let Jesus lead. This sometimes seems to me like it is our human condition; failure to put him first; since the beginning of Adam and Eve creation.
It is a constant choice and in choosing him, we surrender to God every single day of our lives. We learn to walk obediently and to love one another. We learn to surrender. God has given us so many wonderful gifts. One of these gifts he has given us is the gift of free will; it is when we choose to abide in God that we can see him touching our lives these marvelous ways. At least this is how I am beginning to understand and see my relationship with him. Not for reward, but for guidance because as a human being with no control, I am extremely exhausted operating this platform in my own strength.
This story is a lot about obedience and the importance of allowing God to lead us. I leave you with this bible verse for Chapter 1 of my testimony of my walk and introduction towards my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
John 10:10, KJV “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”