Chapter 3: Baby Rock Bottom
Let’s go back to my first girlfriend so you can start to understand the bigger picture of this story. You might be wondering by now what I had to lie to her about. I am good, aren’t I? When we first met, she assumed I was a year younger. Truthfully, I was two years younger. Confusing? Just a little. Let me explain. In the beginning of the relationship I was given the impression that the difference in age actually mattered to her. Here I am with the first opportunity in my life to land a girlfriend and the very first thing I did was screw up! Right there, that was the biggest and most detrimental mistake I made in our relationship.
We received a call one night from her father asking us to come take a look at an affordable home in the east end of the city. It was something we both could afford together given our mediocre salaries and it gave us the opportunity to build a custom home together naming this the next biggest chapter of the relationship. I chuckle under my breath when I say it was together, because, truly I had not much of a say in the design or decoration of the home. Is that normal? Absolutely not! Both partners should be treated as equals in a relationship.
When I arrived to do an inspection of the home with her, her father and mother handed us a document from their lawyer. It was the final sale document of the home. They demanded that evening, “We need you to sign this document if you want the home. It expires in a few days from the lawyer and so you need to make a quick decision. We need you to sign and close the deal now, so we don’t miss the opportunity.”
I looked at her. I looked at them. Now, all these thoughts are running through my mind. This is the kind of decision I should/desired to discuss with my family to get perspective.
It is actually one of the biggest decisions I would make in my entire life. What was the ultimate decision? Was this going to be the girl I marry and spend the rest of my life with? Was I truly happy with her? How can I buy a home with someone who doesn’t even know my real age? I signed the document. “Crap…oh well, here it goes…”
The story and lifestyle of living lies carries on. We are both living together in a condo, and we just bought a beautiful home on one acre of land together right after the Christmas Holidays. Speaking of which, my Christmas gift from her was a trip for the two of us to travel to Italy for the first time without our families joining along! How exciting of a time this was meant to be for the both of us. The scariest of days arrived for me, and I was about to face the truth. It was now the time to get our mortgage from the bank in order to buy the house. I could not hide the truth from her any longer and I still remember the anger in her eyes that evening when the banking mortgage personnel said my birth date out loud whilst glancing at my Government ID.
You know, you can try all the things in the world to justify a lie. I tried to explain the what, the why, the how but that can only bring so much justice. She was upset, and I was in a pure defense mode; speaking truthfully this time that it was something that tore me up the entire time while being with her. Things smoothed over between us over time and finally we were going strong again on clean air.
For some reason though, I just had this nagging intuitive feeling that something was incredibly wrong in the relationship. I followed it. I had a series of these intuitive feelings throughout the relationship but this last one was very convincing for me.
When it started? I am not exactly sure. It doesn’t matter either.
Your probably wondering what happened here…
Our feelings can sometimes lead us astray too. Not all our inner feelings should be searched. Proverbs 16:25 tells us, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” Life not surrendered to Jesus Christ is an easy target for Satan.
What may feel like right intuition can easily be one of the enemies “fiery darts.” Since sin exists, we are prone to mistakes, error and poor judgment on our actions and decisions. If we rely on our own power of discernment, we can often be confused and led astray.
For Christians, our intuition can grow by the strengthening of the Holy Spirit. Those who choose to walk in the spirit have the opportunity of God’s own perspective on life decisions as he guides us through life with His Word. We can grow in this relationship by spending time reading the bible, in worship, in bible study, in prayer, and in meditation.
Let’s keep reading, shall we?
I was on the iPad in our condo bedroom one night. She was out doing her typical and weekly hot yoga classes. I am totally against Yoga; not for the stretching but for the mediation. We have to be careful what tools we use to meditate because sometimes we have no idea what we are connecting with. The bible makes it clear to meditate only on the Word of God.
I always took this time as the liberty to have some time alone relaxing in the apartment. While sitting there scrolling through the categories of movies on Netflix, up popped an email notification of a name that I had recognized. The hairs on my arms stood up. Respecting her privacy, I did not click nor read the email. I knew I had seen or heard that name somewhere before though, so I was extremely bothered. I tried my best to piece everything together first before I questioned whether something was really wrong here. At this time, my spider senses were ultimately peaked and I felt like I was being led on to something BIG.
I pulled out my work laptop, put on my detective hat and opened the company online chat. The same exact tool we both used when we once started our relationship together. As I scrolled up and down the contact list, there was the name.
“Nash.”
Now, it is not very common that people from very different departments share personal contact information for after work hours. I quickly connected the dots together. As I investigated further, it led me to find out everything I needed to know about their relationship and my world came crashing down.
I ran from the condo. This time I wasn’t running from myself. I was completely lost. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to. I felt like the world just crashed on my shoulders and I didn’t have a safe place to rest my head either. I collected the courage to go back to the condo that evening and quickly packed my clothes into plastic tubs we bought for our new home; placed them in the closet, and prepared to confront her as she got home from yoga that evening.
I was very disappointed, but I was also surprisingly calm and collected with my emotions. As I confronted her, she lied to me over and over again until I just couldn’t take it anymore and busted his name aloud. It was at that moment, she knew I knew everything. She broke down into tears sobbing on the bed. I opened the closet, took my bins full of clothes and began loading them into my car. I left the same night driving over to my father’s house. It was not a very easy phone call to share the news of what happened and why I needed somewhere to sleep for a little while. It was a restless night. Thoughts would play over and over again in my mind. How could I have missed all the red flags? Watch out for red flags!
I hadn’t lived with my Dad for 15 years. I hold nothing against him what so ever after my parents’ separation. In fact, I love him very much. Sometimes, I do wish that things worked out differently between my mother and him but then I wouldn’t be here sharing this beautiful story either. Nor would I have been raised to be the loving man that I am today.
Following the separation, we boys had a choice if we wanted to live with our dad or our mom. What a difficult choice to ask a ten-year-old boy to make. Needless to say, I had chosen my mother because it felt right.
The break out with my ex-girlfriend forced me to live at my Dad’s because there was no room at my mother’s home. I was very fortunate that my Dad allowed me to stay. It wasn’t easy for me though on many levels. I love my dad to pieces. Though, the living conditions there were difficult for me. I find it difficult to want to spend time with him in an environment that makes me uncomfortable; even to this day. Smoking is such an awful habit and my father was one to smoke inside the house. I later learned that this was normal, even back in the day before I was born. Living there was difficult because this isn’t just an ordinary smoking environment either. This is a home so infested with the smell of cigarettes that upon entering you get pain in your chest and upon leaving it is difficult to keep yourself smelling clean even with all the air-fresheners of the world. Sometimes, I wish that God would miraculously stop the smoking for them both. I would like to see my dad part of my children’s lives at an old age, sharing the wisdom and love he has shown us as kids.
There was enough pain by now in my life, as if the soil hadn’t been packed so thick prior. I felt so much sorrow and pain going into that house and I well deserved it. I was in a complete state of brokenness. I was comfortably numb.
My ex-girlfriend continued to see this new person from our workplace after we broke up; perhaps out of spite to attack me or for whatever reason; I don’t know but I did forgive her. I pretended I didn’t care but I did; breakups are toxic. Being together at my work place forced me to see both of them on a daily basis for months and months on out while working and that was the most difficult part.
As my friends warned me going into the relationship, today I truly understand and appreciate the quote, “don’t poop where you eat.”
As time passed, the bitterness swept in, and we completely stopped talking at work; I wouldn’t even acknowledge her presence anymore. Coworkers could tell the unusual tension between the two of us. It was now that I began dealing with Lawyers on the home; not out of spite to attack her but rather to clean up the mess, so I could leave her comfortably and wipe my hands clean of the mess we were in.
I think this is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I have to thank my Dad for his advice because it brought me the greatest reward rather than trying to pursue her for financial gains. My emotional state was a mess however. I would leave my dad’s house every morning reeking of cigarettes. I would go home every night upset with uncomforted to a point that I would try to avoid coming home altogether. I would go to work at 9:00 am and end up back in bed at 11:00 am (yes, sweetheart, you read that correctly); just crying, numb, and waiting for time to pass. It did, eventually, it always does. Things got a little better for me, and I was learning to cope in the environment that I was living in. I didn’t have much of a choice anyway, did I? I must have talked to more than twenty people to decipher and process everything that happened to me during that breakup. I certainly reflected a lot and started uncovering pieces about myself that needed to be dealt with. I was growing in this process.
I thought it would be good to close this nasty chapter of my life with my ‘thank you’ note to my ex-girlfriend after the changes that God brought me through.
You have witnessed the bitterness; now I want to show you the forgiveness which matters.
“I hope you don’t mind me sending this email but I feel it’s necessary for me to do. This is for my own being and perhaps for yours too.
I want you to know that I hold nothing against you and that I forgive you and that I am sorry for what I did back then in hopes you can forgive me.
About 6-8 months after we broke up; after all the numbness I had been through; God stepped in and changed my life three-fold which I am ever grateful for.
I’ve felt peace in my heart; almost daily. He’s shown me the meaning of love, respect, honesty, the meaning of being obedient, the importance of marriage and how to walk in love to build something unbreakable.
Anyways, I needed you to know that I hold nothing against you and that I am sorry for everything I did. I have also prayed to God that he watches over you, fills you with love and that you find your happiness too.”
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Chilling in this empty house
There isn’t no one around.
Its just me,
chilling here,
sitting on this chair
easing my mind,
not drniking a beer,
not giving up,
not having a care,
cause I know this is where I can
take my time,
some time to rewind
take a deep breath
feeling the whole world is mine,
I got the music blasting in my head,
I can hear my concious rapping,
my deep words,
thoughts, overlapping,
I got the,
pen and paper so I can,
make it happen,
Moon shines,
on these doom times,
story’s told through a fools,
rhyme, getting harder as we grow,
listen to your soul,
so much we got to know,
but I know, if I try hard,
we can grow,
although, progression is slow,
practice makes perfect,
all those times, feel, worthless,
paint a picture thats perfect,
love and have it, embedded,
and drugged, released in a burden,
we can change, thats for certain,
a verse to reverse,
this curse, hurting,
Lost in time with no focus,
we are starting to look hopeless,
starving children in need,
to many living for greed,
Instead of giving and growing,
and showing,
we can change, altering our direction,
and fate, but theres too much to hate,
we the people, are deceitful,
cruel and cold,
ohm grow old, haha, delusional,
intentional,
illusion,
what do you see,
possibility,
take what you need,
essential,
thinking of half the potential,
plans to program,
change the world with a pencil,
getting lost in my own thoughts,
wishing a task would happen fast,
grasp hearts, preserve through these bad parts,
even though there is nothing worse than here,
loose the sad thoughts,
Times to change, changes, minds, too strange,
rhymes to plain to reach the brain,
teaching train, to feed the pain,
see the rain under the Son,
children of shame, that we all contained,
city plagued, smoked in grey,
watch it twirl,
seven minutes til the end of the world,
dark rises, life is full of surprises,
men gives up, and close his eyes, man,
level to the downsizes,
so hard to fight,
thats just life,
slowly faded I cried,
separated from love binds,
trapped in drugged minds,
feel so alive,
like I am the only one who tries,
is heaven so hard to find,
is no disgise, its up there,
in the sky.
