Chapter 7: Deliverance
Sometimes glancing up at the lights in church would bring back memories as a young child. I would always look up at the lights while I was squinting my eyes. I kind of treated it like it was a game. The objective was to find the rainbows of color rays all joining together by squinting my eyes and then see if you can move them or change them. I could never change them so it was an impossible game but fun anyway.
I perceived it was God at the time and not in a bad way.
I was born into the Catholic faith and the priest would go on reading scripture teaching us that Jesus is the light. Well, I took that quite literally as you can tell. God must get a kick out of that! Now every time I sit in the church pews, I still look at the lights, and I am reminded of those fond memories I had in those pews. It makes me smile all the time. I believe I have been in two other churches now that actually put a cross on the light which makes me happy because those little tiny microscopic details matter, even for the imagination of a child which is innocent and fragile.
Deliverance is and can be quite difficult. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. This was a period of my life for deliverance. The powers of darkness were fighting strongly against me. I began praying thousands, amongst thousands of prayers to rid myself of all my inner demons, and I was doing it spiritually alone although I was never truly alone. God was fighting my battles. I knew I had to overcome strongholds because I could see them in my past life. I was praying prayers that perhaps I might not have needed to pray too because I wanted to be confident that I was headed to be clean. Speaking of prayers; how blessed are we to have access to so many beautiful prayers. How blessed are we to be the ones who write and create them for ourselves or others too. I can count hundreds of prayers that have been effective in my prayer life and I found them by using the internet. We can all use a little bit of a prayer life on a daily basis. It does not have to be intelligent; it just needs to be a communication between us and God. We just need to talk to him knowing he’s listening.
Protection was important while all this was happening because I was a target for the enemy. I could see and watch my prayers working overtime; you know, pleading the blood of Jesus, praying deliverance in Jesus’ mighty name, binding the strongman and so on. I would also go seek other Christians to pray for me or to give me a special blessing in the process.
I understood that sometimes the battles I had to fight were not always of my own accord but from others in the bloodline all the way back through my ancestry. I would often pray prayers to target specific parts of my body, my brain, my veins, bone; and other body parts you can think of. Our bodies should operate and perform the way God intended them to perform.
Targeting those specific areas of my being was important and being specific in my prayers was important to. The best part about all of these prayers was coming to experience God fulfill those prayers. I didn’t realize this at the time but now that I have been through the refinery, I can say that I did experience the full depth of everything I asked. If I had to explain the experience, you could imagine your brain being rewired and to feel the changes in your body, heart and in your brain; it is truly powerful and it can actually be scary being so foreign to it as a born again believer.
While all of this was happening, I want you to understand that at this point of my life, I was seeking peace; reflecting deeply and in grief upon my sins that I was chained too. Isolated and locked in chains, I could not break to set myself free on my own. I tried in my own strength and failed in it on too many attempts.
The guilt was most definitely there; it would haunt me all the time. The enemy can do that to you. He can guilt you into shame and disgust, but God offers a freedom no one can stop.
I was once a tool for the enemy; the devil. I had a real love of money, a desire to be famous, lusts, adultery, and love of woman. These are all part of human condition and sin where forgiveness is needed to be set free. I was upset over the separation of my parents, I disliked how my brother treated me in our teen years, I disliked not having a stronger relationship with my sister growing up and I disliked feeling like an outsider in my immediate family. I hope to take the opportunities in the future to get closer to my sister, to maintain a mature relationship with my brother and for my family to see my true self.
These are things I look at today and realize that I had the love of evil things; there was too much unforgivingness and much to let go. In the face of the Gospel, it was disgusting how dirty I truly was and it tore me up on the inside.
Condemned and guilty; that is a typical response of someone whom is still captured by the enemy and not made perfect in love; the condemnation. For there is no condemnation in Jesus and once we accept that into our hearts, it can make all the difference in the world. This understanding helped me to overcome the addition of smoking cigarettes.
Romans 8 King James Version (KJV)
8 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.
9 But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.
10 And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
11 But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.
12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.
13 For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
19 For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.
20 For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope,
21 Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.
22 For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now.
23 And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.
24 For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
30 Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that justifieth.
34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
By this time of my life, I was working on projects that I had no idea what I was doing. Hiring illustrators to design and create cartoon images as if I was someone important helping God lead others off the wrong path. I want you to know, that in creating images like this was wrong and I sinned by doing so. God teaches us not to make images to create idols and at the time I created this, I was still a child in my spiritual understanding.
I was focused on lashing back at the world around me.
The enemy can do that to us sometimes. I was not in the right mind to even help others when I couldn’t even help myself. First I needed to help myself and that is where God had full control and still does.
For the sake of this story, I will share some of the challenges I was facing at that time of my life.
I just met Sofia, a girl whom scared me for my life.
I was cheated on twice by two different women; my ex-girlfriend and the French woman.
I lost my home, I lost a condo, I lost a family, I lost myself, and I was lost. Where am I? Who am I? What does Jesus say I am?
Behind all this, I truly thought that I was an innocent boy but was I truly? Did I learn my lesson? No more lies? No more fantasies? Perhaps this is what God was trying to show me. Maybe this was my flying lesson?
There is a great movie released in 2017 called, “The Shack.”
I highly recommend everyone to watch it. Alright, some of the characters/content in the movie could have been displayed a little bit better in accordance to the Gospel but that movie just hits the mark quite accurately for what I experienced in a relationship with God in a more personalized way and form.
Unforgiveness builds up. Sin also builds up. What we define as humans what is good verses what is evil may not be God’s understanding of what is good verses what is evil. God loves each and every one of us. He gave his only son, Jesus Christ, so that we could be united with him and in this world, evil and pain still exists scaling all the way back to the days of Adam and Eve from when we first neglected God’s instruction and were deceived by Satan. Jesus dying on the Cross was the remedy for us to be reunited to God. It is only through Jesus Christ that we are able to overcome the evil one and the wickedness of evil. Understanding that concept is crucial and imperative to our spiritual growth.
Only through Jesus Christ’s power are we able to overcome strongholds. Only through Jesus are we able to bring down giants in our life. Only by faith can we look at a mountain and tell that mountain to move. It is only through Jesus Christ that we can be saved. He is the only way. He is the answer to every question and the reward, my friend, is right beyond the open door; shall we knock?
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Knock and the door opens to you,
Seek and you will find,
Believe and you will see,
Trust, love,
Changes, from glory to glory,
Changes, removes the past,
At last, find peace,
When you believe,
Sorrow turns to joy,
Tears turn to laughter,
Happiness you’ll find,
Your happily ever after,
Eternal life,
Let us seek and give praise,
Thanks to God Almighty.
The glory is His and not mine.
Help us to seek your face,
Through all of our wants,
Desires in life,
You know my heart,
Everything inside,
You know my wants,
My failures ,
My past,
What goodness can we do,
When we abide in you,
Trust you,
The path you set for us,
Walk straight,
And narrow is the way,
And as you say, many have gone astray,
What I admire the most about you,
Is your compassion,
Your mercy,
Your love for me,
Love for others,
When you died on that cross,
Sacrificed every life,
For us,
So, we can find you here,
Now, today, tomorrow,
See that we failed you a hundred of times,
Even when we were lost, you never gave up on us,
And still today, you touch our hearts,
In many many ways,
All day, every day, I crave,
You forgive us, the good good Shephard,
Jesus, we can learn from you,
Truly, we can learn from you,
Love true love.
Knock and the door opens to you,
Seek and you will find,
Believe and see,
Trust and love,
Changes glory to glory,
Changes,
Removes the past,
At last, find peace,
When you believe,
Sorrow turns into joy,
Tears turn into laughter,
Happiness you’ll find,
Your happily ever after,
Eternal life, let us seek,
Give praise,
Thanks to God Almighty,
The glory is His and it’s not mine.
We are not free until Jesus sets us free. We can comprehend these teachings from the Word of God by allowing it into the depths of our soul. We need to call on the Holy Spirit to strengthen our understanding and relationship. Is also the fear of God that we can obtain wisdom? Likewise, it is only through Jesus Christ that we are able to experience God’s peace and love on a whole new level. Peace comes at a price and that price, was already paid with Jesus’s death and most definitely out of his own free will. He chose us. He lived as a human being and died a horrible death as a human. He has given us the choice to choose him. He desires for us to choose him. He wants to be number one in our daily lives. Let us all make the right choice.
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College educated,
Knowledge, Accumulated
Here I am, I just waited,
Waited, waited,
For what,
Why did I wait?
Why am I losing my mind?
Why am I just, waiting?
Idle all the time,
In time,
I know this,
Will find,
The meaning,
And happiness of life,
Its hype,
Surprise,
It’s tight,
Catch us,
Jumping,
Ships and,
Flights,
Feels right?
Maybe we can all one,
Day, fly up in the sky,
With the light,
Like a bird,
Hold our hands together,
As we should,
Truly believe in his word,
How powerful, amazing,
I know I do,
How about you?
Like how a father teaches,
You to tie your shoe,
If God intended us all to be the same,
He’d put braces on all of our legs,
I keep telling myself,
Just hold on now,
Gianni, I know,
You feel guilt inside,
And it’s okay, because he forgives,
Re-write, Start over,
Fresh, get yourself out,
Of this mess, is it a test?
I guess? I’ll put this to rest,
The pride, the lust,
I’ve had enough,
Of this stuff,
I can’t take much more,
Of the pain and suffering,
And weird feelings,
That I can’t describe,
“Gianni, what do you want from me?”
“All I ever wanted,
Was to be free,
Instead of on a leash,”
I am invested,
Holding true to his commandments,
Trust in the promises,
And if this is a gift
Then I must share it,
Because,
Practice,
Makes perfect,
This is worth it,
Released in a burden,
If I get praise,
I’m sending it right back your way,
It’s a broken boomerang,
That doesn’t come back,
And even though,
I sang many many years ago,
Of things that,
Fill my conscience,
With guilt,
And sadness,
I trust in forgiveness,
In love,
In better stuff,
And even though,
This gets tough,
I’ve had enough,
A boy can only be so quiet,
And hold everything,
So deep inside,
Inside I cried, perhaps I died,
Tears running down from my eyes,
Not ready for goodbyes or wrong ties,
This is honesty,
With an apostrophe,
This is real,
Stuff, real, rough,
I can imagine myself,
On the floor,
Looking up,
Begging, pleading,
For some help,
Mercy on me, always to love me,
Keep me, safe in your arms,
Hold me tight, guard me,
With your light,
Because of all of the guilt
I hold deep inside,
All I ever wanted,
Was to go to heaven,
And perhaps this is my,
Confession, inner expression,
Now look,
Gianni’s out of his box,
And I’m not going to stop,
I would much rather spread love,
Then not,
And all hatred and anger,
That I once had,
I am no longer mad,
And I am glad that,
You give and take,
Help me to forget the hate,
I am not interested in these things,
And no man is perfect,
I am really trying to avoid,
Foolishness,
And I came to you as a child,
Not knowing a darn thing,
Even knowing that deep down,
All I ever wanted,
Was to sing,
But if this isn’t what you ask of me,
I can let it be, because it fills
the Void, inside me,
Claiming that I never did,
Anything,
I am not interested in riches,
Or bling,
Or stupid things,
With no meaning,
I’d much rather,
Spend time
With family,
Brother and sister,
Helping one another,
And maybe if you’ll let me,
I can love her,
One day.
Be a father,
Raise a son,
I’ll be a pretty good one,
And I can’t wait
For the day,
That I see your face,
When that day comes,
And my time is up,
I pray and pray,
That you’ll welcome me,
With open arms,
And all the pain and suffering,
Will be gone,
“Hear me now,
Walk a narrow path,”
As you lay us in grass,
I think besides my heartbeat,
And having a child,
That’ll be the greatest gift,
A father can ever give,
Love; you are our caller,
Help us to hear your holler,
And even though we do some pretty,
Stupid stuff,
You still love us,
How great is the meaning of your love,
Above, how great is the meaning of your love,
No man can comprehend,
I want to thank you for your son,
And for all that love does,
And they can try and judge me,
But I know that in you,
I’ll be set free,
When you move quickly,
Through me.
I would feel aches and pains in my body beginning to submerge as I tried to draw nearer to God. It appeared that the thousands of prayers I prayed were actually taking its toll and transformation through me. I would feel light pierce through my heart. Just the aspect of having that light, which was foreign to me prior was an encouragement to keep on going. I wanted to become pleasing to God in my own way and to help myself.
Pimples would arise on my body out of nowhere. I would experience these unusual phenomenal all over my body. At times, I would feel like I was being squeezed so tightly around my arms and legs; yes, literally. I was so frustrated with what I was experiencing and especially in the nights.
As the transformation was taking place, I would wrap my head with clothes to stop the tingling around my ears and over the top of my head in attempts to find a good night’s rest. I could feel the rewiring of my mind while all this was happening. Light piercing through its compartmental sections. I could feel the supernatural changes all over my body.
No longer was I that crazy and evil boy driving around spreading hate songs blinded by the enemy. I began in the light. If I was listening to music, it was songs claiming the miracle of “The Blood of Jesus Christ.” What a surreal transformation! It was the biggest and most unusual experience that I have ever been through in my life. Only God can do that. It was my first glimpse of a doorway to answers that I had been seeking for all my life. I was headed towards God. I wanted more of it; I thirsted for it and I still do today.
I remember playing songs asking, “God, Forgive us” and feeling his presence through the Holy Spirit. The pains/sufferings got worse but my relationship with God was growing. Though many around me did not know what I was going though, I keep this story and these situations all to myself.
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“I am not going to stand here,
Pretending that I’m perfect,
As the bible says,
Were either,
Rooted in love,
Or were not,
I made many mistakes,
I had to go through the pain,
Needed him to remove my pride,
I could no longer hide, or,
Let things slide,
I know this worth it,
I know this is worth it,
When someone lends out a hand,
Grab it, and comprehend, that that is,
God working through him,
Helping one another,
Spreading every color, its light,
Loving one another,
As yourself,
This is not my fight,
The choices we make,
We decide our fate,
Only He leads the way,
I read your word,
Every night,
Admiring you,
The love you hold deep inside,
Bearing the weight on your shoulder,
You loved, loved, and loved,
How can we be any colder?
You are gold,
The treasure in a field,
Coming to realize, and appreciate,
God’s sacrifice,
Showing us,
The way we are to truly,
Live our lives,
When our time is up,
And God sent his chosen up,
Leaving the rest behind,
What excuse am I going to make?
Now tell me why would I wait?
To seek his face?
Or to repent of my sin?
Long for the forgiveness,
That only comes from him?
Granted so freely,
He loves us all deeply,
With arms open wide,
We dare not to hide,
To seek Him,
We should be letting him, Him in,
Our Hearts,
Watch him give you a new heart,
A fresh start,
Give life, with found meaning,
New direction,
Sight,
I don’t want to be the greatest,
I want to be the best that I can be,
Live my life for God you see,
I made my mistakes,
Satan once had me, and I fell away,
Wasted my life, I was dead in sin,
Not noticing that I was a life;
And I was dying within,
Until I looked beyond,
The bubble that I lived in,
Coming as a child, not knowing a thing,
Seeking to learn first from Him,
Now every day I wake, to seek his face,
Trying to put God first,
There is this love in my heart,
It’s a starburst,
How could I ever thirst?
Be more humble now,
Ask for forgiveness,
Becoming more and more fearless,
But still I am cautious,
Because of the world I live in,
Oh one day I hope to be home and reign with him,
I understand that I need to repent of my sin,
Ask God to cleanse me within,
Cause when that time comes,
I would hope my God will let me in,
Through to the Gates,
I am not going to wait,
Any longer,
Anymore, not worrying about tomorrow,
The next day’s come,
The old me is gone,
The new has come,
God, grab my hand, now let’s run,
Keep me safe through all my ways,
Through all my days,
To be the best I can be,
All the dirty T-shirts,
Can all be made clean?
They can all be made clean,
For Your,
My God,
My King,
My Everything.