Chapter 11: We Make Mistakes
There were times too when my heart would just break down into utter pain. Simultaneously, there were times when I would feel extreme joy.
I understood my suffering as an emotional sorrow. As if I was drinking the bitter cup. The joy I would feel time to time, was simply joy. This for me is quite difficult to explain if you have never experienced ‘joy’ but to paint a picture around its meaning, imagine the flowing of continuous water through your heart.
There are also times in my walk with God that I have felt like I was being disciplined and rebuked; at least this is how I perceived it. Whether I would feel like I was being hard-pressed and squeezed or an occasional strike through my heart, I pressed on and kept my eyes on Jesus knowing that he would walk me through. Finally, there were times that I was attacked heavily by the enemy trying to stop me from proceeding further, and I was aware of the attacks because that’s exactly what they were. Did I handle the attacks all that well? Absolutely not. You could imagine supernatural things happening to you and around you that you just can’t explain and the worst part about it is that whilst this is all happening, your anxiety is at its peak making the experiences ten times worse. Learning to control my thoughts, to control my emotions, the situations of life around me was something I needed to do. I have to thank God for getting me through those trials because I couldn’t have gone through anything of what I did without his help. Originally, I had put my experiences with the enemy attacking me into this book but I decided to numb it down and speak briefly about it instead. Why? Well, the transformation from darkness to light isn’t an easy thing. If you hear otherwise, it is probably a lie. You have to be refined. You have to go through the transformation; that is quite exactly what I went through. It is not all fun and games; it can be terrifying but the result later on in your days is worth it.
My prayer life by now is increasing drastically. I am reading the bible daily for longer periods of time and praying both in the morning when I wake and at night before bed. I felt like the storms in my life were over by now or that they were beginning to cease. It feels as if I had just finished delivering myself with the help of God, from all the inner demons of my past.
Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
We all make mistakes and I have made a few; even the smallest of mistakes can grow into greater mistakes. Mistakes help us to learn and if we aren’t learning, we aren’t trying hard enough.
As time went by, God helped me overcome my addiction to cigarettes for the first time in my life. It took a lot of patience, inner turmoil, and a lot of prayers but eventually it came to pass that I was free from the hold of the addition. People ask me all the time, how did you do it? Out of every attempt I made to completely quit, I believe repetitive and frequent prayers helped completely remove the desire for me to light up.
I wrote this woman a song after we broke up; a local girl who lived in the same city. I had many fond memories whilst being with her. There were nights that I would prepare lovely dinners for her at my place getting ready for her arrival like I was some kind of bachelor. I like to laugh and think about it sometimes that way and perhaps it made it more fun and entertaining doing so. Loud music would play on my speakers with my old-time favorite artists and songs of the 80’s all embroidering the message of love.
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Greater walls,
The bigger fall,
Is this it?
Is it my call?
I don’t know what I feel inside,
Tells me otherwise,
The way you me feel inside,
When you look at me,
Even when you’re not around,
And I want you to see,
How I can feel about you,
Inside I got nothing left to hide,
Steady waves,
I am rocking,
I am leaning your way,
So brave, inside,
I cried, emotions gone,
Wild, I keep seeing that smile,
Those pretty brown eyes,
You leaning over,
Resting your head on my shoulder
Lost and boy I am surprised
Never knew this type of love,
Crazy, makes me want to hide,
But I can’t,
And I am wishing you the best,
All the happiness in the world,
I just can’t vent,
I can’t let this go, cause baby,
I just want you to know,
What you have,
Don’t let go, cause,
It is no coincidence we met,
I gave you everything I possibly could,
Trusting God, knowing his intentions mean good,
I mean, I keep looking at that phone,
Wishing you just would,
But I do believe in a better me,
Where I can be free,
Pick up, say hello,
Hear a peep
Here I am now,
And I may still be missing my complete,
And this may come off as weak,
It all depends on how you seek,
It is my strength, my heart, my art, my arc,
I knew it from the start,
Moment I saw you,
How everything matched,
From your beautiful smile,
To your pretty shoes,
Now I am sitting here,
Singing these blues,
Wishing you knew,
Wishing you knew,
How I feel about you,
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Got me asking, who,
Is the fairest of them all?
The one that’ll reflect my love,
Intertwine, quickly, hold me,
This is real love inside,
Jump and dive,
Can’t combine, the x and y’s,
Now I am asking,
Please open your eyes,
Look at only love inside,
See my heart, it is open wide,
And I am asking you to jump inside,
Love is kind,
Patient,
There’s love in me,
Love in you,
Sit there and I wonder;
What if she is a mess like me?
Could it be?
Two people sitting at both edges,
Waiting for something to be,
What if we, quit pretending,
Searching, looking for something,
We may never find,
It is either your dream or mine,
Intertwine, accept it, let love be blind,
Looking for things,
Here I am down on one knee,
And I am begging,
Please,
What more can you do,
For me?
See I just want love,
I just want peace,
Two birds,
Common, grab my hand,
Let’s fly away,
Like a dove,
In love a real man never hurts a woman,
I don’t to see you cry,
He counts those tears,
Woman out of a rib,
Not from his feet to be walked on,
Not from his head to be superior,
From his side to be equal,
Under his arm to be protected,
And next to his heart to be loved,
I guess what I am saying to, you,
As you lay your head on my shoulder,
As you lay your head on my chest,
I felt something that I….
Tell me were perfect,
Tell me were worth it,
All the heartache your,
Bringing down,
Oh, tell me.
I could stand here and pump my chest and pretend I am all hard like a lot of men do, but I am not. I think you can clearly tell that by now. I had true genuine feelings for her and that song is the real me.
Your probably wondering what happened in this relationship?
I tried to bring God into the relationship, and she was trying to keep him out.
Perhaps they were masked emotions but the breakup experience really helped me to feel emotions again especially after my previous fall outs. The disappointment in one-sided love that I experienced inspired me to write more songs, to write songs to God and to grow more in love.
I was still in the beginning stages of my relationship with God when I met this woman. My flesh was still weak and I quickly fell into my old ways when it came to our sexual experiences. I liked her but for some reason it never worked out between us. I suppose by now you can understand why? Her excuse when we broke the relationship was that I was too nice, too sweet, and too loving. How was she? She was sweet but perhaps had another personality.
Talking to someone who doesn’t keep the faith or share towards love at the same level as you are is really quite difficult. I tried to openly talk to her about my relationship with God and like most situations where this is unusual or foreign; her reaction towards my intentions weren’t appreciated. I tried to encourage her to be more receptive of purity, going to church together, praying together and keeping God at the center of the relationship but it just didn’t fit. I always tried my best to explain and justify the reasons as to importance it is to walk a relationship that honored God and at least I was doing him good service. This would actually be the first relationship where I was open and transparent about my faith; such a big step for me. It took a lot of courage because it was different to what I was used to doing in the past. I couldn’t hide from my commitment. My biggest hope at the time was that she would accept and appreciate the pure intentions I had for her and like most relationships not meant for you, this actually backfired on me.
After this relationship, I decided to go deeper and vowed to be completely celibate in my walk towards God. If I was to find the girl of my dreams, then it was going to have to be God’s way and that was the only way. We are to learn from our mistakes and by now I had made one too many.
James 1:12-15 King James Version (KJV)
12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:
14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.