Chapter 13: The Why
This book is “the why.” Jerry McGuire. I remember making a promise to God that I couldn’t keep. If I could quit smoking completely again, would he bless me in the relationship that I was in?
Running back into the dating world after a few more mistakes but this time being more open about my faith.
I began dating a woman whom I looked at differently for the very first time in my life. I think I had my blinders on though because I was really focused only at her looks and the fact that she was more than what I could have asked God for. She was absolutely gorgeous and had a smile that could light up a room. Our first date was just the two of us talking together for hours. I was very open and comfortable to share my faith by this time knowing that God had my back. She enjoyed my stories very much, and she really wore her cross proudly which stood out to me. I remember looking at her online profile photo for the first time and only focusing on the cross around her neck. I didn’t even look at her. By now, I have been wanting to try to walk into love with God, and so I guess my hopes were high that this one could be it. I remember telling her about my past experiences growing in my faith with God on my first date. I never showed it but that night I was fighting tears trying to run down my eyes. The best part of my time was that the whole time I was sharing, she was listening and appreciating it. I found it incredibly attractive. She brought a lot of hope that maybe this could be the one. I remember going to the gym and thinking to myself; I am not going to look at another girl in an adulterous way ever again; the only one I am interested in is the one I am seeing. I remember respecting her by giving her my 100% of my attention. I went on vacation with the boys to Mexico again and I even openly shared how wonderful I thought she was and how I wanted to be respectful to her by not trying to pick up girls for the first vacation trip in my life. I turned down many opportunities with other woman that trip. Every night before I would go to bed, I would pray to God to protect her, watch over her and to help her grow in her faith. Do I regret any of it? Absolutely not, someone once prayed for me. My faith was growing and I felt like I prospering as a child of God. When I got back from my trip and on my first phone call to her, I could tell that she missed me which was a good sign.
I achieved a lot by introducing myself to all these pod-casts, gospel teachings, and sermons on marriage, love, relationships, faith, and family. I was truly growing as a Christian and seeking answers to some of the best questions anyone could ask.
She opened my eyes a bit as well in the process. Through her, I was able to see parts of myself in my past. As we grew in the relationship, I remember asking forgiveness from people I encountered along the way that I treated poorly in my past. I began to see what I did to them through her. I remember praying constantly every night for God to help me in the relationship. I was hoping for him to strengthen her faith, to help me protect her and to have his hand in prospering the relationship to grow.
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I remember the dreams I was having whilst dating her too. Were they from God? Not sure but I keep an open mind to the messages. God was always quick to answer me and keen to listen in the process. I remember the prayers he would answer. I remember the miracles he showed me through that relationship. I don’t even have to tell you them for this story speaks for itself. Most importantly, out of all I experienced in this relationship I remember the pain in my ribs. Why were my ribs hurting so badly? I searched the bible for answers. I still do not know that answer to this date. Was this pain emotional hurt? Was this pain a sign and confirmation from God? I am not sure but all I do know is that in this attempt, I really tried my best to utilize my faith with her and God for the first time in my life. Quite frankly, she doesn’t know this. When she was sick and not feeling well, I went to ten or more other Christians who were complete strangers and had asked them to pray for her. When things got rough and murky between us, I would pray to God to reconcile us and calm the storm. When I didn’t understand, I would pray and talk to other Christian friends for support and help to continue on the journey.
God revealed many things to me in this process. Perhaps this was happening to me more often because he was aware I was looking for his answers.
I was a little sheep, and I was running from a series of wolves in the field. They were chasing me. I was running through burrows and burrows of trees until I found an area of high density bushes with thorns in the trees and shrubs that the wolf couldn’t enter. As soon as I got there, I woke. One of my dreams one evening was rather unusual. I shared this one to her; not quite sure why I did but it was little things like this that would stick out like a sore thumb in her world. Another evening I dreamt was a dark and gloomy evening. I was standing outside a silver car on the street in a housing neighborhood. I jumped in the vehicle and began driving. I kept going down the street starting slowly and then preceded and proceeded at a really fast pace and eventually too fast that it was uncontrollable. The street came to a “T” where I had to either make a sharp turn and smash or run the curb and crash. Since I was going too fast to break, I ended up running over the curb and proceeded to crash. Suddenly, what was ahead of me was a humongous red brick wall. That car and I in it was only to stop inches before crashing. I woke up instantly. All I could think of at that time, was how weird that dream was? What was the message? Was there even a message at all? Maybe it is just my subconscious seeking more from someone who wasn’t giving me back what I wanted or deserved. You know one of the things I noticed the most about this dream was that I could reverse that car and go back on the street. What was its meaning? Did I rush too quickly and too soon into the relationship? Did I push too much without letting God steer and drive the vehicle? Or did I approach her, she put up a brick wall and I didn’t make enough of an effort to break through? Or perhaps it was my wall? Or was God blocking the relationship all together? I am not quite sure. What I do know is that I left a light on in her world in opening her eyes up to a man of God and to me that was more than good enough.
God answered me twice that day. The first was upon driving to meet my boss. I talked to God about my financial situation at work. I had put all this effort into growth of the business and my bosses promises weren’t kept in our original agreement with me and it bothered me. That same evening, my boss out of his generosity gifted me a bonus and a salary increase. I drove home praising God the whole two-hour drive home but something was still bothering me to my core on my mind. This girl I was seeing, I wanted more from her and I could tell it really bothered me. On the way home that night, I asked God to show me her true intentions. It was the very same night that I had reached out to ask her out on a date the following Saturday. She was home that night with her family. She read my message and chose not to reply. I found this unusual because normally she was pretty quick to reply and it was only just a week since I last saw her, and we had our first kiss which bothered me more being ignored. I tried to dig a little deeper to poke at the cause of the delay to her response. The next day, she came out and opened up and told me that I had she had no intentions of to stop dating but felt it would be necessary because we were at different stages of faith. We did make an arrangement to see each other once again but it never ended up happening in the end. People make a lot of excuses when it comes to relationships and regardless of her reasoning, the moment that she delayed her response to me to go out again, I told God I forgive her having already known the outcome.
One of the main reasons we did not fit each other was that her faith wasn’t at the same level as mine. Perhaps she was right? One thing is for certain, God prepares a man to be able to love, spiritually guide, to provide, and to protect his wife. I did my part in growth. God had something better for me.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Let’s read that one more time.
“And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.”
I later came to conclusion that she wasn’t the one for me. My spirit would tell me in other ways when we were together and even when we were apart from one another. I could tell there was something irritating going on. She was involved in some things that opened herself up to the enemy which made me vulnerable sharing my heart with her. At the time she was smoking marijuana, drinking, partying, having close male friends at the gym, etc.; which made me uncomfortable. At the same time, what I did admire about her the most was her willingness and openness to accepting faith in a relationship. However, there was no will to make the changes necessary. It was as if there is an open door right in front of her for her faith, but she just wouldn’t choose to walk through it and I kind of wanted to help her do that.
I did get a lovely message from God right at the peak of that relationship that I cherish and hope to keep with me for the rest of my life. I will read it to you. It brought me much love and gratefulness. I won’t share the details of what I did for someone else earlier that day because I don’t want to lose the reward, but what I will say is that God showed me generosity that day. I had just come home from a lovely date with her and pulled into my driveway to see right by my doorstep, an arrangement of flowers. A random act of kindness.
It read,
“September 12, 2018. Greetings, please accept this gift in honor of my husband’s memory. Today is our anniversary and I fondly recall when we first started dating (almost 30 years ago) and he lived here at that time. Wishing you much joy, love and happiness, Signed, Daim”
This lesson brought me a whole new perspective to life and giving. I received the same measure that I gave that day. That is powerful. That is God working in his wonderful ways. All I could remember that evening was, “God, you are good!”
Oh, and by the way, I took incredibly special care of those flowers.
They lasted through to the winter after I moved home to my mother’s to begin saving money in hopes of finding the girl of my dreams.
To scan a QR Code, point your camera on your Andrioid, Tablet or Iphone at the QR Code.
Praise be to my father in heaven,
Lost,
And found,
Sitting,
Church pew,
Who would have knew,
How did I get to,
This point,
This point in my life,
Why did i collect so much pride,
Fill myself
With so many lies,
So many lies,
Don’t fall behind,
Don’t fall behind,
Don’t get behind,
Don’t get behind,
Nope,
I was not letting God, lead,
As he was showing me,
the signs, the why’s, the lies,
The kind of things, needed,
To avoid, silly
Innocent and gullible boy,
Did I listen,
No, did I go, hope,
No, mistakes made,
He made the way
Church pew,
Who would have knew,
This is new,
Saved,
Day by day,
New day,
Bright lights,
All them hype,
Surprise, he’s tight,
His yoke,
Light,
Right, in front of my eyes,
Church pew,
Reading your word for the very first time,
Bringing back, those memories as a child,
Do you remeember when, I,
Would look up to the lights
And then, Squint my eyes
Rays of every color, From Every side,
I always wonder that, did you get a kick out of that?
You must of thought, it was cute, oh so new,
Children and the little things that they do, when their minds,
Are set on you, and what our parents told us to do,
Love God will all your might,
It makes me smile, and I am sitting here now,
Bringing me back, Papa, coming to you as a child,
Guess what, I even went a bought myself,
A bible, and your my only Idol,
I understand, its in your hands, its all your plan, and we all fam,
Rewind,
Sitting downstairs,
Looking up to you,
With tears in my eyes,
I was sorry for the things that I do,
I don’t know why it’s part of my past,
All I know is whats in my grasp,
At last, it’s not looking at you,
through a glass,
Spending time with you,
Just simply,
Spending time with you.
I was reflected and drained,
lost in many sinful ways,
Hundreds and hundreds of wrongs,
And because of you,
I can forget them now,
I have found where I truly belong,
I lay down at your feat,
Here take it, for I am weak,
What was I even doing?
Why did I try, To lash back,
When I should have just,
Given you that,
Beaten, Broken,
Abused, Stained,
Untamed,
You, You,
You still loved me the same.