Chapter 4: French Lust
Eight months had passed and things were slowly getting better for me from an emotional standpoint. I had healed to a point that I was at least ready to date again but not quite ready for something serious.
It was around this time that I tried opening up my heart once again to the outer world. I had also opened up some older doors of my past that I left when I first started dating my ex-girlfriend.
I reached out to one of my old friends to catch up and pick up our friendship that I left behind. Getting into a relationship with my ex-girlfriend resulted in me abandoning Him. He wasn’t very receptive to any of my calls or requests over the phone so the only way I could make a genuine apology for disappearing was to speak to his parents at his front door, and so I did. I was genuine and told them that I was sorry and that I was interested in being his friend again. Well, that’s exactly what happened.
We picked up as if nothing had ever separated us as friends. I was still enticed and open to the same kind of activities we used to partake in and perhaps this time it was even more extreme than the past. We started hanging out again on a regular basis. Every time we did, we would talk about girls, drugs, sex, and so on. I was smoking at the time, marijuana was involved, and we would go gambling at the casino almost every week to play blackjack together to make money because…we were making it. I set myself into the online dating apps and began trying to approach woman after woman. I suppose the influence from that one friend rubbed off on me in a bad way with respect to this topic as well. One random evening while on my veranda just flipping through the app, I got a message from this French girl. She was unusually beautiful and different from the other girls on the app. It was one of those rare moments when someone signs up for an app for the first time out of curiosity and you just so happen to be their first conversation. It was that same night I decided to meet with her mid-downtown Toronto. It was a very rare occasion to find someone like her online and I took my first opportunity I got. Going towards downtown Toronto was quite the different atmosphere for me, and she carried this manor that I felt was very attractive for any woman. She turned out to be beautiful in person. She was a flight attendant starting a new job in Toronto from Montreal and I really took interest in her career because I love to travel. We got along very well; most of the time and things were going really well between us; almost too well as things moved rather quickly. She was the first girl I had ever been super intimate with.
She was also the first woman to call me out on any disrespect towards God, and I am thankful today that she did. I messaged her years later and briefly shared how that instruction impacted me and told her that I had come to know God a lot deeper. It was pleasing to hear she too had her own experiences in self-improvement as well and managed to stop drinking alcohol completely which was a shock because she loved to drink and loved having sexual intercourse. Still, as quickly as we ran into the relationship, as quickly I had run out of it. I still didn’t learn my lesson yet.
The lesson you ask? Clearly, I didn’t understand that I had to allow God to lead me into this relationship and to be at the center of it. The answer was clear and right in front of my eyes; I just didn’t see it yet.
She ended up cheating on me in the end. How? Well, let’s just say that I have strong intuitive feelings when it comes to something going wrong and I have God to thank for that. I wouldn’t know it any other way. One day I felt off in my spirit and I could tell something was wrong. I was invited to visit after she got home from downtown with a few friends of her and proceeded to go; knowing something was off. I went upstairs to her bedroom, laid down and waited for her to come back from her shower. I could hear a new voice from the other room and I wasn’t sure who it was. She asked to introduce me to her ‘friend’ and when we finally shook hands, he introduced himself to me as her ‘cousin’ in a Russian accent. It was then that I knew my intuition was right. I stayed a little longer and then went home in disgust. The next weekend, I drove her to the airport on her way back to Montreal and said my goodbyes and never saw her again.
What do I think I do well? Well, I simply love. I found that the most common thing and frequent thing I do when someone does something wrong towards me or others is I just show them more love. That is exactly what I did for her.
The second relationship just dug the hole even deeper in my heart.
There is a story about a young man and his father. The young man used to curse, steal and make all these mistakes growing up. Every time he made a mistake, his father told him to run out to the back of the house. There was a giant wooden fence there. The father told his son to hammer a nail for each one of those mistakes into that fence. As the nails added up over time, it allowed the boy to see the bigger picture of the mistakes he made.
His father had a lesson for the boy, and so he then instructed that if the son were to change his behavior, for every good deed he did, to remove one of those nails off the fence. The boy was motivated to take each and every one of those nails off. It came down to the last nail, and so he called his father over and said “Papa, come see the fence. I have removed all but one nail, and I am about to remove the last one.” The father walked with him toward the fence and said, “Good boy. I have asked you to hammer a nail for every bad deed you did. I have asked you to remove every nail for every good deed you did. But do you see the fence now? There are still holes where that nail was once placed. There are still scars left behind to remind you of them.”
Can anyone tell me who is capable of filling those scars?
With a smile on my face, come on, take a guess?
It is like flipping a coin and desiring something as the result. Before it lands on ‘head’s or ‘tails,’ you already know the decision or outcome you want to make before it happens. If you can feel that pressing on your heart, I encourage you to try God as we all should.
As for my old friend, since my relationship was growing substantially with God I realized that leaving the friendship in the past was best in order to allow me to grow. He wasn’t serving me anymore and it was time to move on to bigger and better things. Perhaps one day, God will touch his life too; after all, he was rejected for many of his youth years. How was he rejected? He was called many names, rejected in schools, became rebellious and stubborn and I have seen God move mountains in me where I can see it possible being mirrored in someone like him.
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I look for you,
I seek your face,
I look for you,
Every day,
When I wake up,
in the morning, I open my eyes,
and pray, and pray, for your strength
and courage, on this path,
yeah I know,
You never needed my help,
I need yours, I need yours,
We all need your help,
Your the love, that never,
leaves our side,
your forgiveness, you mercy,
you’ll love us all the time,
God I need your protection,
I need you by my side,
lead the way,
only, the works you ask of me,
surrender to me,
surrender to me,
surrender to me,
surrender to me now,
surrender to me,
let me in,
let me in,
God I look to you,
and I don’t understand,
the things, that I have been through,
but I trust in you, I trust in you,
I trust in you, I do,
Your mystery,
as I hope and pray,
I open your word,
every night before I go to bed,
trying to learn, to understand,
From you, I follow you,
I learn from you,
I know I have made so many mistakes,
and I follow you,
and I follow you,
right back, to where I should be,
I trust in you,
I trust in you,
in everyway,
I do.