Chapter 8: Everything
I just moved into my own home now. I lucked out on this beautiful cozy spot in the middle of the big city. The rent was very affordable, and it was a home that I felt comfortable living in; my own sanctuary to be myself so to speak.
“God, is this Deja vu?”
I had this moment shortly after moving into the house.
It was ironic because I had sang about a small town shack many years ago. The house was a quaint cottage looking Lake House. Although it sounds bad, it was actually really nice to live in. It had the rustic foundation on the outside but it was nicely mixed with the modern design on the inside. I was really comfortable here and the moment my landlord showed me the home, I knew I had to take it.
One of the biggest things I came to feel was a confirmation from God that I was where I needed to be been the arrow on the upstairs window that happened to be pointing upwards to look up. What is even more interesting about this is the experiences that had taken place in this home.
I was in a spiritual battle starting my walk towards Jesus away from the enemy. I had to be well-prepared spiritually. I would cling to my bible with many different types of prayers. If you had been going through the same kind of experiences yourself, you would probably do the same things that I did for your own protection.
At this time of my life, I was 26 years old and I started singing songs again after retiring three years prior.
These songs were different from those of my past because I was changed and a different person now. Instead of listening to music that condones evil, these songs were really based on my relationship with God, love, and they really stood out for me in my faith.
I found this note I wrote to myself on New Year’s Day 2017.
“I cannot say that I am not happy for what I have today. I am truly blessed!
2016 was perhaps the worst year of my life.
I’ve struggled in so many ways but I always kept a big smile on my face. I’ve met some very interesting people this year and made some new friends whom have given me new perspective. I am very thankful for the family and friends I have become closer to. I like the way things are headed. In the change process, I have come to learn a lot about people and especially myself. I am so excited for the plans and the direction I now have moving forward into 2017. There is no downhill from here, only up. I am not afraid to fail or to be alone. I do not know what to expect!
There is only one person who wakes up in my shoes and that is me. Though I may be silent at times, there lies a beautiful mind that dares not to speak. In 2017, I may just end up doing something and you may have come to learn something totally new about me. After all, I am simply following my intuition. It was my intuition that sparked the beginning of 2016. Wish me the best of luck! Those who supported me will reap the reward when I get there. Invested in me. Happy New Year!
May all your dreams come true!
As my spiritual life was growing, in some cases, so would my suffering and sorrows. I remember singing songs to God and my heart would just hurt with so much anguish as if my heart was a siren, the pain/sorrow would just circle around and around your heart; nonstop. P.S. this is a literal feeling.
Changing from a heart of stone into a heart of flesh – you feel everything. I do not know all the answers and one day I will but I will tell you, take it word for word; transformation.
Could you try and imagine this happening to you?
What would you do in this situation? Whom would you cling to first? My answer was and always will be…God.
What was the source? I was experiencing things that just never made sense to me. I remember lying in bed watching the hairs on my arms standing up on the left, on the right, on my legs, and on my head. I would feel almost electric current around me while reading the word of God. I tried my best to understand what I was going through but I just never understood it and Google didn’t help much finding answers. The bible would only reveal so much. Sometimes, I would just cry on my bed huddled in a ball begging God to reveal in plain words on the wall, so I could understand. It wasn’t that easy.
Worried and confused for what was happening, I obliged with my families requests and went to see many doctors and no one could really give me a true diagnosis for what I was going through. I guess the confusion surrounding me wasn’t helping me either.
Jesus never left me alone in the valley, and he accompanied me to the mountain top. I can see that today when I embrace his peace and love on my heart after all the suffering I went through.
Looking at it from a scientific aspect outside of my faith; I went to psychologists to bring my family comfort to confirm my sanity. You have to love it when a psychologist says your perfectly normal but everyone else is calling you crazy. To no avail was I able to get a true diagnosis for what was happening to me. So, what did I do? I decided I would paint my home and kept God as my core focus of course. In this time, I talked with work friends and family a lot for guidance. I took time off work to chill out and quite simply, relax.
Despite everything going wrong and right at the same time in my life, in the back of my mind, I knew the answer to what I was experiencing already.
I was in a state of spiritual transformation which is why I pushed forward despite everything fighting back against me and I wasn’t going to give up; persistence.
It was a dark time in my life and the only light I had on was God. Who else did I have that I could trust? I couldn’t run to family. I couldn’t run to friends. I was neglected and suddenly treated differently. My social circle was starting to break apart.
My new-found faith in God left everyone talking about me on how they felt that I was going crazy. It was actually in this time frame that I got to appreciate the intimacy I had with God primarily because I was alone. I had time to make myself available for him and likewise for him towards me. It was in that very same home that I got to know Jesus Christ on a true, intimate and personal level.
You have no idea and it brings real tears to my eyes every time I think of the pressures I went through in this transformation.
I tried to keep my faith as much as I could hold onto even though I was suffering through it so very, very, very, badly.
Jesus too had to suffer for our sins.
Psalm 23 King James Version (KJV)
23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
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Pump back,
Rockets are loaded,
I speak of analogies,
Decorated,
And corroded,
You and I,
Sitting in the window pane,
Can you see again?
Can you shine your light?
Can you see me on through?
To the other side,
All those good feelings inside,
Emotions, love, wonderful, colors,
Rushing waves,
Through me,
Ocean’s breeze,
It’s insane,
Never felt this way,
And in my past,
I can tell you that,
Helping others,
No greater wish,
No greater gift,
And this is it,
Me looking at it,
From a bird’s eye view,
Suddenly,
Everything around me,
No longer looks the same,
The moment just got,
Bigger than you,
It feels like I’ve just met you but you were always here,
I plant the seeds, theoretically look at you,
Now steer,
When I didn’t notice,
The Son was hiding,
There was all this thunder and lightning,
Suddenly now my mind so clear,
All my problems disappear,
Aches gone away,
And all that’s left is,
Invested in this message,
Heart of gold,
Wonderful colors,
The greatest feeling,
All my tears turn into joy,
If only you,
Knew, why I smile when I look at you,
Why I laugh at your silly jokes,
Why I smiled each time you spoke,
Why I try to catch the sparkle in your eyes,
And even why sometimes together we want to cry,
When you talk to me, I feel no fear at all,
Just me and you, giving our all,
When you make me laugh, my mind just can’t fall,
My words lose their meaning,
Finding myself dreaming,
Keep believing, in a better me,
I am glad to see, your still standing,
Each day I try, telling you what you really are,
Each night I hope, that you’ll understand my thoughts,
Why I laugh at your jokes, why I smiled each time you spoke,
Why I try to catch the sparkle in your eye,
Surprise.