Chapter 9: The Storm
I could tell that family was starting to treat me differently. I was no longer the individual they once knew. The more and more that I grew into my relationship with Jesus, the more I would see this change. I still see that growth happening today; even as I write the book. I was no longer the same person. I was made new; completely new. I stopped smoking cigarettes. I refrained from the habit of cursing. I dropped my old friends that were bad influences in my life that didn’t help me grow. I ran away from sexual encounters and I avoided many temptations. I wouldn’t look at woman in the same adulterous way anymore. I was learning to be more respectful, and I was quick to ask for forgiveness. I grew to be slow to anger. I hate raising my voice to yell.
I guess you can say that I came to learn and grow in isolation. The kind of isolation where I could take the time to keep myself available to and for God allowing him to flood my life. I came to find peace within myself in the midst of all the storms. It was the purest form of self-reflection that I have ever experienced in my life and most importantly, it was a time that I got to know myself; to love myself, to forgive, and to truly experience God’s presence in a rich abundance.
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Well alright,
Who would have thought?
That in time,
You would find,
This feeling inside,
This gift,
That you can’t ever hide,
No greater joy,
It’s a gift,
Well otherwise,
What or how did,
It gets inside
Is this real love?
It’s real tough to define,
The things that go on,
Inside your mind,
Sometimes it hard,
And beyond those scars,
Take a trip
Head straight up to Mars,
Everything you wanted,
Every intention that is good,
You can have,
You wished,
Yes, you would,
You believe,
Yes, He could,
Make it happen,
If you just try,
Faith and everything,
Just let it multiply,
And everything that you hold deep inside,
That you ever,
Wanted to try,
Try, take a peek,
See, what’s on the other side,
Jump off the cliff,
And let everything behind,
You flow,
Soon you’ll know,
You’ll never look back,
In regret,
Or say I never did,
This or that,
And sweat.
But what you’ll come to find,
Is that?
Your dream,
Your vision,
It is yours,
Her and him,
Are waiting,
On the other side,
You’ll be the happiest man alive,
Jump and fly,
Jump and fly,
Spread the wings,
Soar open wide,
Let love inside,
Flow from your heart,
To your soul,
Now feel it in your bones,
Feel it all around you,
Envelope,
Open this book,
Your writing,
Pen and paper in hand,
Well I’ll be damned,
Show them whose been hiding,
And why then,
Didn’t you try?
To open their eyes,
See what’s going on inside,
I know these things are hard,
But your intentions mean good.
Your wish.
You could.
Your list.
You should.
Here grab my hand,
As we go,
I’ll make every step
Let’s tip toe,
You only got one life
You only got one mind,
And a whole wacky of time,
To spread love,
So many seeds,
Which one to reap,
Water, and God knows,
I want her,
Where to go,
Left or right?
To combine,
This feeling inside,
So I think,
If I try,
To unhide,
Be naked,
And shine,
Bright,
A star across the sky,
Make it easy,
For her to find,
Me, and finally,
Fly up in the sky
Fly up in the sky,
Two birds,
Dove, some real true love,
A guy you may never find,
Needle in a haystack,
Celebrate with me,
Because I am going to have to take,
What is mine?
Cause I,
Put my trust,
In you,
Cause I,
Put my trust,
In you,
Cause I put my trust in you,
All my love,
All my heart,
All my mind,
Everything I hold inside,
Help me find,
Help me find,
Help me find,
If you just made a wish,
And believed it,
Well guess what,
It’s coming,
True,
And everything about you,
That you never knew,
Will just come out,
From inside
Never could hide this,
Now just multiply,
And,
Just try,
To spread a little love,
And you’ll find that there is,
Some gushy gooey stuff,
Inside,
That you never,
Had before,
Walking the path,
Talking and no laugh,
No pride, don’t hide,
Just love inside,
You can’t deny,
I don’t have the same kind of anger anymore. I go to church and I enjoy spending quality time with God. I read the bible in the morning sometimes and always try to before bed. In church, I would read psalms before mass starts to get my heart into the right place with God. Prayer is now becoming a focal part of my daily lifestyle. When life gets hard, I try to pray and ask God to intercede. Life becomes different and less difficult when you know you have a God willing and ready to help when you ask. To know that he is listening is even more powerful. I think, if we allow ourselves to be so far from God, it seems like a difficult process to find ourselves going back to that place. Sometimes, if we have been so accustomed to not bringing him into our everyday lives, it becomes unusual or too distant to even comprehend or imagine happening.
I am a miracle and a sweet testimony that it is possible to reopen that relationship and it is possible to walk through that door and Jesus is that door.
1 John 4:18 King James Version (KJV)
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
I was attacked even when I was going through the change. The most important thing I did, was fix my eyes on God because when my eyes were on God, everything around me didn’t matter. He is the potter, and we are the clay, and I was simply being molded. I am still being molded as a Christian.
I sometimes get made fun of for loving Jesus and there were times that it really hurt my feelings. Some nights, I would drive home in tears because it was people that I loved so deeply that would persecute me for loving God. They would say some pretty nasty blasphemous things you wouldn’t expect to hear them ever say; at least I didn’t. It actually worried me to hear them say these things about God. You wish the best for your family and to hear them go against God was scary. I was experiencing his everything in those very weary times of my life, and they didn’t have a clue as to what that is like. Everything was so real and tangible. Everything that was happening to me brought the FEAR of GOD to me and the FEAR of GOD taught me to respect. Speaking of respect, I learned that if we respect ourselves, we are capable of respecting others. If we love ourselves, we can love others. The same aspect applies to a lot of things in our everyday lives. God said to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Well that is the key now, isn’t it?